been awhile.

this has been the strangest adventure of my life.
escapism led to blurry eyed video production,
escapism led to running out of money in the very small production account,
escapism led back to the start.
escapism led me out.

and i apologize for s(l)ick poetics but things have changed,
i have 100ft done of three hundred ***** hasnt gotten back to me
so new cities new plans new life.

and altho i have placed this painting as a tree in my life,
consistently branching and growing,
the strange or overtly natural thing about a tree is that it has roots,
deep covered roots, and when painting or visualizing a tree,
sometimes these roots get dug up or validated or any other word you can place.

and then how a painter does video better than painting, i
assuage to branches, to new leaves, to dare i say fruitfulness,

i found out tonite in my first real step away from this painting,
something that scares,
something that i dont like,

when i first started painting, i painted directly from my heart to hand,
i would black out i was painting her and her and her and her
and i would wake up to my mothers care,
my mothers unintelligable support (spelling might be wrong im fucked)
and so i stopped
i started researching leonardo, jacopo, giovanni so i could cope with
having strizucture so the things that happen dont happen.

dear mommy,
how come when sh. tries to paint pretty pictures,
things always end up dead or dying.
your father asked why i have to be so fucking morbid,
i dont know,
its bad genes i guess.
i dont know,
i think if this letter, this writing ends in aduoisbfgkjhdsbgkvljhfbdkjvbndsfjkv
its because i blacked out face down on the keyboard,
but i wont im stronger now, i think,
and im damn sick of thinking,
thanks mom, you were right.
sh.

trailer.

so heres the trailer, after cannes ill release the whole damn thing, but for now this is what youll get unless you are very very special, and i am completely convinced you wont exploit the exploiter.
love you.

the whirlwinds of absolution with gusts of confused air.

back from a short studious vacation, paris, berlin, the dam,
paris= kiefer (louvre) kiefer (d'orsay) corinth (d'orsay) bourgeoisie (pompidou et tulieres).
(and maybe one caravaggio that held its own- louvre)
berlin= kiefer kiefer kiefer (hbg bahnhof) baselitz, grosz, beckmann, kokoschka (neuenatgal)
kathë kollwitz!!! (she has a better pieta than michelangelo)
dam= vermeer!!! (but ive already talked about that one.)

so now its back to video world, maybe its good since the flood gates of time have reopened in the best ways i've ever known, dunkin donuts in berlin is a strange idea.

kiefer gave me alot to think about, he had a statement about his german background and how it affects his working process, and its readily apparent that he has embraced the horrors of history and understands something i have yet to attempt, after all the ashes and death life does come a new, be it bombers and books fertile with poppies, or constellations of sunflowers or an old man finding understanding in heavy metal. (that wasnt meant to be a double-entendre, they are just inescapable.)
his new installation at the louvre, titled "athanol" was stunning not only in its symbolism of redemption, cycles etc but he has opened up the world of painting in ways that only merlin could have imagined, he always has used the dirt and detritus of his consciousness to inform and lecture the viewer, but now he has become transcendent, there is no lecture, just hope and amazement.

and then to look at the past, his german past, his lilith was to be taken into a world that knows only slight hope and some sort of baroque amazement,
i came up with the crackpot idea of watching him work, working for him, producing a movie on him, because this movie/project has opened my eyes to the constant lineage of journalists, artists, filmmakers, musicians who are willing to actually open their eyes to the horrors of the human condition, including their own as some sort of wierd in/evolutional telescope, to map, to describe, and to warn others of dante, of merlin, of talmud.

"abandon hope, all ye who enter here" just not yet.

the videos almost done, i should have a preview up on withoutabox soon, and send it into sfc this week, and then its back to painting, its the river for a week or so, and possibly to the kurtz compound prior to cannes, i just dont know where any of it all fits in to the life altering alterior solutions i try to understand.