render me this.

so the video for the sfc at cannes is two rendering steps, and one compressor step away, im waiting on 7 minutes of video from new york to plug in,
ivan finished the song, "black and white" last nite, holy shit, the boy kills it, it sounds scripted, of course hes seen the movie probably as many times as me, but hes never seen apocalypse now, or HOD, and he gave me fourteen minutes of pure fucking amazingness,
the backstory is is the guitar he plays it on, HE BUILT!!! (in the time we've know each other!!!) hand tools, river water, my challenge, its the most beautiful guitar ive ever seen, and the fourteen minutes, i plugged in beginning to end of film and it just sits perfect, yes slight level adjustments, but i move and he moves, its synced, maybe its living in a submarine.
well the credits are done, and im just waiting on the video from NYC (or Boston depending where it is)
and its done done done, well the short version is, off to cannes by the time i arrive in Paris, or while im there.

im going to paris, berlin, and the netherlands for a short break,
the louvre (the new kiefer permanent piece), pompidou (a show on iraq war), kathe KOLLWITZ museum is two feet from my hotel in berlin, checkpoint charlie (peter your bars might go there?)
but ill be out of touch for about 2 weeks, painting 180ft (60m) is about all i have left to sketch out....
its getting somewhere?

wait.

Your accreditation request for the 61st Festival de Cannes has been duly registered.

theres that, and 100 ft are ready to ship, waiting, has become what my head is filled with when not painting, waiting for rendering, funding, answers, and yes this has become the game, and so after 4 days of hard hours breathing pigments fumes and everything else, struggling with overseers for my route my path, i wait, i wait to use fumes and pigments, i wait through copying line upon line of dialogue to create layers and depth, i dont like the overt narrative of text, its not voice it never will be when i write insane or shrimp or kurtz its contrived, yet it has to be, it focuses me into the composition of the work to come, the montenegran brigade of color that has 200 ft to colorize in 3 weeks, the me that has to write the words so long ago spoken, in grandure, in disrespect, in theory to respect.

i wait.

legitimacy... of sorts.

Monsieur S*** M***
Nous avons bien reçu votre film HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A PAINTER'S APOCALYPSE
La conférence de presse annonçant les films sélectionnés pour le Festival de Cannes se déroule durant la seconde quinzaine d’avril.
Si votre film est sélectionné pour le Festival de Cannes, vous serez prévenu avant cette date.
Nous essayerons dans la mesure du possible de donner des réponses à tous les candidats avant la conférence de presse.

Cordialement,

Festival de Cannes
Département Films

______________________________________________________________________________________



Dear S*** M***

We have received your film HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A PAINTER'S APOCALYPSE
The press conference will be held in the last two weeks of April.
If your film is selected for the Festival de Cannes, you will be notified before the press conference we will do our best to notify all candidates before the press conference.

Yours sincerely,

Festival de Cannes
Film Department

there it is now its time to fucking paint, until my hands bleed, not much more video work to do, fuck the web right now, the knock, the paperwork, the identity is sealed.

balance.

something good happens, then something bad happens,
and im too angry to get into it right now, i just have to paint,
tomorrow i will paint, but this fucking thing has become a self fulfilling prophecy;
i should be used to that right now in my life, 13 years of calling myself a suffering bastard from the old testament on the streets, and now when things are getting all too shiny, i find my marlon brando, and in a strange sense in the same person, coppola's ex-wife. i did ask for this in assuming the role of francis ford coppola as the director of a project like this, and for three weeks i thought i was willard. reality just hit.

the butoh portion of my piece and a large financial portion crumbled today, im not going to blame, its just fucking people's relationships to commitments and promises and the value i hold them at; without the budget, without hollywood connections, without... i am faced with the same fucking shit he was, and now not only am i director, but i am actor(s)(i thought i could just pick one), filmmaker, editor, fucking everything.

my title for the short was that perfect self fulfilling, dooming, prophecy... or maybe the whole piece is based in that, im a fucking painter living beyond his britches right now, and i dont know if i like it.

i think i just did a really good job about not really venting and blaming, i just dont know what to do right now. im so angry, i could spit, im so disappointed, i could cry, im so frustrated, i could give up. could can be replaced with should in every single one of those prior sentences.
theres no alcohol or drugs of power here like i desperately need to fall asleep, after 3 weeks of 3-4 hours a nite.

i wont say im done but im on the fucking edge. and im sick of fucking lies. (which i guess is where this whole piece started).

accepted.

ive been editing a video for 18 hours straight, i got it into cannes, somehow, and it will be screened in the short film corner at the festival. the deadlines the 21 for the overall judging, and april 1st for the screening. the project has morphed, and im sure will continue to do so as time goes on, mathew knows i like lists so:

-release of "Hearts of Darkness: A Painter's Apocalypse" short
[heres what cannes got: synopsis:
'Hearts of Darkness: A Painter's Apocalypse' is the short documentary chronicling the development of the art installation, 'Apocalypse Still,' a 100 meter painting using Coppola's 'Apocalypse Now,' as subject, installation as evidence, and movement as dialogue. The installation will be screened at a major international art festival in July, this short contains interviews and actions showing the intensity and intent of the project.]

-followed up by full documentary release of the same film.
*yes its backwards from how francis did it, but i have my reasons*

-premiere of installation

-release of full length dvd, "Apocalypse Still" shot in the same running time as the movie itself, showcasing in real time the project in its finished state.

-wish i could paint more and had a team of video techs to handle this part, but this is the route i chose to take, i have less then a week to finish the short, and three months to finish the painting, so on the deadline tip, one is more pressing. but i have started painting furiously and on a whim tried the cannes submission, and so one way or the other something lined up right.

-shoot last six minutes of dialogue, now, because its dark out, my eyes hurt, my headaches, and i have a fucking absurd desire for deadlines.

the walls are closing in.

not to be hyper-dramatic, tho that is kind of my nature, the nature of a film, a painting, but the walls are closing in, the weather in pontaven has been less than cooperative, i painted in a hailstorm the other day after brief lulls and periods of clarity and sunlight,the next day was fraught with hurricane winds and rain like.... well never mind the simile, all the priors day painting beat away, and so the weather has forced me to move a majority of my working time inside, on the ground with canvas that is beat to shit, gesso that has become nonbinded plaster, and until i really started grinding and bottling my own paints and colors it was hell, the first day not a person walked in who didnt complain about the smell of over terped medium (how else to make dammar) but i dont mind the smell it smells like painting is supposed to. and the second day, the cheap grocery store oil ive been using has too much absorbtive power and dries so matte i dont know how to read the layers. but aside from that i've been pressing forward, still havent moved past the hotel, and am working too slow for my time restraints.
i have thought about a pre-screening at cannes in may and i think its a good idea, tho i dont know how ill play it, i have to do some research, if anyone has any clues to cannes i think it might be the best move this whole project has seen, besides the bad weather in brittonie.
my computer is lagging like crazy so, im going to stop babbling, and tho this project is a political nitemare of a piece and has affected so severely my outlook on governments and war machines, i leave you with a picture bunny sent me for the archives.

getting softer.

so, the paintings begun, and you can view the individual photos of the work by clicking on the slideshow, i think?
its been a rough week, the weather was shit, ive been getting sick, cold, wet.
i became extremely disassociative before starting the hotel scene, and im surprised i made it this far, without francis giving me dope, but it was scary for the first time in years i was losing time, losing faith, acting out, but i gave myself 36 hours, and i think i pulled through, and however psychosomatic a painters logic can be, it was fucking frightening, i had thoughts of running to amsterdam, or nooses, and yes those jokes arent funny but they are what i was dealing with, im sitting in a hotel, a trained killer, questioning the shallow nature of a woman who doesnt understand me, while the real person who can kill me, "charlie, is squatting in the bush, getting stronger..." yeah thats a good place to be.
but heres the update, ive sketched the first fifty or so feet, the hardest scene in the movie, and i have 240 or so more feet (80m) to go... and im going.
im working outside, still wet, peeling gesso, grinding pigments on rocks, sealing cracks with cheap linseed oil, smashing found pastels to get brights and then, inside because of the fucking french spring, but "c'est la guerre, n'est ce pas?"
today tho was victorious, i think im the only painter ever to see frost on his painting, and try to save it... it was beautiful to see the frost when it was shining before it melted and i saved the craquelure with damar and oil.
the next scene is the mission, and han solo's in that shit, so thats easy, i can play games with harrison, its about time i get a break, and the shrimp, the honor of those fucking p(r)awns, let the absurdist logic take away my fears, i beg you.