getting softer.

so, the paintings begun, and you can view the individual photos of the work by clicking on the slideshow, i think?
its been a rough week, the weather was shit, ive been getting sick, cold, wet.
i became extremely disassociative before starting the hotel scene, and im surprised i made it this far, without francis giving me dope, but it was scary for the first time in years i was losing time, losing faith, acting out, but i gave myself 36 hours, and i think i pulled through, and however psychosomatic a painters logic can be, it was fucking frightening, i had thoughts of running to amsterdam, or nooses, and yes those jokes arent funny but they are what i was dealing with, im sitting in a hotel, a trained killer, questioning the shallow nature of a woman who doesnt understand me, while the real person who can kill me, "charlie, is squatting in the bush, getting stronger..." yeah thats a good place to be.
but heres the update, ive sketched the first fifty or so feet, the hardest scene in the movie, and i have 240 or so more feet (80m) to go... and im going.
im working outside, still wet, peeling gesso, grinding pigments on rocks, sealing cracks with cheap linseed oil, smashing found pastels to get brights and then, inside because of the fucking french spring, but "c'est la guerre, n'est ce pas?"
today tho was victorious, i think im the only painter ever to see frost on his painting, and try to save it... it was beautiful to see the frost when it was shining before it melted and i saved the craquelure with damar and oil.
the next scene is the mission, and han solo's in that shit, so thats easy, i can play games with harrison, its about time i get a break, and the shrimp, the honor of those fucking p(r)awns, let the absurdist logic take away my fears, i beg you.